Nothing is Going Your Way for a Long Time
I decided to buy a gouache paint set on discount from Lazada, simply because it looked like a relaxing hobby to have, and I need different outlets to de-stress. On my third day, I wanted to chuck my paintbrush out of the window. I was trying to paint on a postcard-sized watercolour block, but as a beginner, I couldn’t seem to control the gouache/water ratio well, and the colours didn’t come out the way I wanted them to.
Much like my newbie attempts to paint, this year has spun out of control. No one expected a pandemic to happen. Back in January, I was mentally preparing myself to not see my boyfriend for at least another six months due to his studies, I was about to embark on a new job & field, and the last normal, fun thing I did was a staycation at KL hotel with my best friends.
And then, much like the paint that came out of my brush, things didn’t go our way.
It’s hard not to write about the sheer violence of classist bureaucracy while thinking about 2020. There is a vaccine but obviously ‘developed’ nations will get them first despite many not even following mask rules. Meanwhile ‘developing’ nations have to wait for their turn and at the same time deal with healthcare systems that are about to reach its limit and the economic repercussions. An ordinary youth gets fined for not momentarily taking off their mouth, and some political figure walk around without it. Some companies implement work from home policies, some force their employees to go to work as if they’re doing the work of frontliners. Privileged folks who don’t know where to spend their money take 5-star vacations in scenic islands, while those who can’t travel & have lost their livelihoods hole themselves up inside their houses. And so on.
It is easy to tell someone that “It’s only natural that things are out of control. Leave it to God and pray”. It’s not easy to face a realisation that simple, necessary things such as your health and welfare are actually being controlled by authorities. It is easier to sit back, “bersyukur dengan apa yang ada” and understand your place in society — when you’re on the lower end of the ladder, you don’t matter.
I want to say that I spent most of the pandemic indoors, but I did not, since I’ve had to work from the office. Why, you ask? Who knows, but I can assure you that my job has nothing to do with the medical field :).
There was also that short-term peaceful time before the Sabah elections when it looked like we had flattened the curve — I had even planned a vacation at the time to teach a creative writing workshop in Penang. That didn’t happen, of course. But the workshop made me realise how much I missed teaching, and reminded me of what it was like to be in a positive environment. I am grateful to have experienced it.
I also finished writing the first draft of my novel and in the midst of rewriting/editing it. How did I do it, while the world is a dumpster fire? Well, it turns out unlike painting, writing comes to me more naturally and is less stressful. When I’m not going through malaise or moodswings, I know my characters, I know what’s going to happen next, and when I don’t? I’m more excited to find out.
It took me months to write it, and it will take me even more time to edit it. But it’s a step forward towards something. Who knows what it is, though — at this point, can anyone be so sure of what’s going to happen next?
Let the year end with a cliffhanger, as that’s what life is all about even after death, and keep going.
